In March, the 25th, took place in St. Petersburg a most unusual fact. The barber Ivan Yakovlevich, a resident of Voznesensky Avenue (its name has not come to us and not even listed on the label of the barbershop, where only a gentleman appears with soapy face and notice "are also indented ') the barber Ivan Yakovlevich woke up pretty early and noticed that smelled like hot cakes. By incorporating a bit on the bed he saw that his wife, very respectable and great coffee lover, was serving a furnace freshly baked muffins.
coffee "Not today," announced Osipovna Praskovia Ivan Yakovlevich. What I want is a warm bun with onion.
(The truth is that Ivan Yakovlevich he wanted both, but I knew it was totally impossible to ask the two at once, because Praskovia Osipovna did not like anything such whims.) "To eat bread, very stupid. Best for me: well over a cup of coffee, "thought the wife. And he threw a muffin on the table.
For those of decorum, Ivan Yakovlevich endorsed his coat over her nightgown, sat at a table equipped with salt and two onions, brandished a knife and started cutting the bun with a solemn air. When he had cut in two was set at one half and, surprised, discovered a whitish body between the crumb. Ivan Yakovlevich it carefully probed, using the knife, and felt. "It's hard! "He said to himself. What could it be? "
put two fingers and pulled ... A nose! Ivan Yakovlevich was stunned. He rubbed his eyes, to touch that object again: nothing, it was a nose. A nose! And besides, seemed to be that of an acquaintance. Horror was depicted on the face of Ivan Yakovlevich. However, horror that was nothing compared with the outrage took hold of his wife.
- Where you cut the nose, so fierce? He shouted angrily. Scoundrel! Drunk! I myself will give you part of the police. You ever seen, the rascal! Of course, that I have heard complain and three parishioners. They say that when shaving, pulling you hit those noses who do not know how you do not stay with them between your fingers.
Meanwhile, Ivan Yakovlevich was more dead than alive. Just realize that this nose was nothing less than the Collegiate Assessor Kovalyov, who shaved on Wednesdays and Sundays.
- Wait Praskovia Osipovna! I will leave it far in a corner, wrapped in a cloth, and then I'll take.
- No way! Then I'm going to agree to a cut nose in my room! ... Esperpento! As does nothing but give the razor strap to soften, will soon be unable to fulfill its mission. Stupid! Do you think I'm going to carry that responsibility when the police come? Outside the nose! Out! Take it wherever you want! Do not I come to know anything about it! Ivan Yakovlevich
still there as if petrified, thinking and come to think, but nothing occurred to him.
"The devil you know how could this happen, "he said finally, scratching behind his ear. "I drunk last night I went, and came back fresh? I can not say for sure. But by all indications, it must be a convoluted case, since the bread is one thing and another thing altogether a nose. No, I do not understand! Ivan Yakovlevich
silent, ready to faint at the idea that the police were to find his nose in his possession and wallpaper.
He seemed to be watching as the red collar of the uniform, all embroidered in silver, sword ... and trembled from head to toe. Finally, he grabbed the clothes and boots, and rags put all those together counterclaims by Praskovia Osipovna bland, took to the street carrying the nose wrapped in a cloth.
I intended to get rid of the package anywhere, after pulling kerbstones garage or a door as inadvertently dropping and twisting after the first intersection. The trouble was that, at the very moment he passed an acquaintance, who immediately began to ask:
"Where you going?, Or to whom you are shaving so early?", So is Ivan Yakovlevich the occasion escaped him. Once able to drop it, but a city guard waved from afar with his halberd while warned him: "Hey! Something you have been dropped. Pick it up. " So Ivan Yakovlevich had to pick your nose and put it in his pocket.
despair over him, especially because the number of pedestrians constantly multiplied, as they opened their shops and stalls.
took the decision Isákievski reached the bridge, for if he could throw the nose into the river Neva ... But all this, I apologize for not having said so far nothing about Ivan Yakovlevich, honorable person in many respects.
As every Russian who is respected journeyman, Ivan Yakovlevich was a drunkard. And although every day outside shaved chins, his was ever without shaving. The fraction of Ivan Yakovlevich (because Ivan Yakovlevich never used coat) and wore so many grease spots brownish gray, despite being black, seemed made of cloth, also had the glossy neck of dirt and some rags in place of three buttons. Ivan Yakovlevich was a great cynic. The Collegiate Assessor Kovalyov used to say while shaving: "You always stink hands, Ivan Yakovlevich." To which Ivan Yakovlevich turn answered by asking: "Why must suck?" The peer adviser insisted: "I do not I know, man, but you stink. " Therefore, and after picking up a pinch of snuff, Ivan Yakovlevich I applied the soap to big strokes on the cheeks, under the nose, behind ears, neck ... Where he pleased, go.
Our respectable citizen was already on the bridge of Isákievski. He began by looking around, then leaned over the railing to see if there were many fish under the bridge and secretly threw the rag with his nose. She felt as if someone had suddenly removed ten puds off: even smiled a sly smile. And then, when instead of going to shave chins clerical headed for a glass of punch in a setting where sign saying "Meals and tea ', suddenly saw the end of the bridge to watch graceful bearing and pin hardwood with cocked hat and sword. It was cold, the guard called him a finger and say,
"Come here, man. Knowing
ordinances, Ivan Yakovlevich took off his cap from a distance and obeyed in a hurry with these words:
- Health have your honor!
"Stop, man, forget Uzziah and explain what you were doing on the bridge.
"By God I swear, sir, that would shave a customer and I just stopped to see if the river had plenty of water.
- Lies You're lying. But no avail thee. Make please answer.
"I'm willing to shave your worship twice a week, or even three, without question," said Ivan Yakovlevich.
- Who! Stop your nonsense, man. I shave and three barbers, and they have taken great pride. So do me the favor to tell me what you were doing there.
Ivan Yakovlevich was livid ... But the event from here is totally enveloped in mist and do not know anything at all about what happened later.
The Collegiate Assessor Kovalyov woke up quite early and puffed - "brrr ...»-, thing he always did when you wake up, but even he could have explained why. Kovalev stretched and ordered a small mirror that was on the table. I wanted to be a grain which came last night in the nose. And then, to his astonishment, at the place of your nose discovered a completely smooth surface. He ordered them to bring water and rubbed his eyes with a damp towel, anything that was not the nose! Began to be felt, wondering if he was asleep. But no, not a figurative. The Collegiate Assessor Kovalyov hastily jumped out of bed, shaking his head with concern, had no nose! He called her clothes and left immediately as an arrow to see the chief of police.
to all this, well would say a few words about Kovalev to put the reader in history of the range of our collegiate assessor. Collegiate advisers who have obtained their certificates backed by scientific studies can not be compared in any way with those who have signed in the Caucasus. They are two entirely different categories. Collegiate advisors ... But Russia is a country as a pilgrim who just say something about a college advisor that, from Riga to Kamchatka, the hint will give all who have the same title ... And the same goes for all other titles o grados. Kovaliov era asesor colegiado del Cáucaso. Sólo hacía dos años que ostentaba el título, hecho que no se permitía olvidar ni por un instante. De manera que, para darse más prestancia y fuste, nunca se presentaba como asesor colegiado sino como mayor. «Oye, guapa, pásate por mi casa -solía decir al cruzarse en la calle con alguna vendedora de pecheras almidonadas-. Está en la calle Sadóvaya. Con que preguntes dónde vive el mayor Kovaliov, cualquiera te lo dirá.» Y si se encontraba con una de buen palmito, precisaba confidencialmente: «Pregunta por el piso del mayor Kovaliov, ¿eh, preciosa?» Por eso mismo, también nosotros llamaremos mayor a este asesor colegiado.
The biggest Kovalev had a habit of walking every day for the Nevsky Avenue. He always wore the collar of the front very clean and starched. His whiskers were as still using provincial and county surveyors, architects and doctors regiment, like police officers and, in general, all these knights of ruddy, rosy cheeks that often play very well to Boston are a pin that down to half his face and go straight to the same nose. Kovalev wore the largest crowd of charms, one of carnelian, some with carved shields and also which are engraved the words Wednesday, Thursday, Monday, etc. Kovalev had traveled the greatest to St. Petersburg for certain necessities consistent in finding an accommodation in accordance with its range: an appointment as lieutenant governor, he would marry, or, in any case, the executor in a Department of shaft. The biggest Kovalev was not against marriage, but only if the bride accompany a capital of two hundred thousand rubles. For all these reasons the reader may now understand the mood of this increased space to find a stupid flat and smooth instead of your nose, it was nothing ugly or disproportionate.
To make matters worse, there appeared not a single cab in the street, and most had to walk on foot, wrapped in his cloak, and covering his face with a handkerchief as if it were bleeding. "But, hey, do not be a figuration that mine? It is impossible that a nose gets lost and, stupidly, thought, and went into a bakery, with the sole purpose of looking in the mirror. Fortunately, there were no patrons in the establishment. Some little boys swept the area and ordered the seats while others sleep eyes, pulled trays of fresh pastries, on the tables and chairs lying newspapers went the day before coffee-stained. "Luckily no one! Kovalev, "he said. Now I can look at me. "He walked shyly and looked in the mirror. "But what the hell of filth is it? Dropping a spit-uttered. If only I had something rather than your nose! ... But, is that there is nothing! "
left the bakery, biting his lips with rage and, contrary to his habits, he decided not to look or smile at anyone. Suddenly, he stopped astonished at the entrance of a house. Before his eyes there was an inexplicable phenomenon: a carriage stopped at the foot of the front door when it opened the door, jumped down, slightly hunched, a gentleman in uniform came up with the steps quickly. What was the shock, while the astonishment of Kovalev to recognize his own nose. In view of such a prodigy, it seemed that everything was spinning around. He noted that he could hardly stand and yet decided, although shivering as if with a fever, wait at all costs to come back into the car. Indeed, just two minutes left nose. He wore gold-embroidered uniform, high collar, and trousers of cloth and carried the sword at his side. The tricorn plume indicated that held the rank of Minister of State. From all appearances, was making visits. He looked from side to side, called a cry to the driver, got into the carriage and drove off.
Poor Kovalev was about to go crazy.
I did not know what to think strange event. Indeed, how could even a nose dress, the day without going further, were in the middle of his face and could not move, or by carriage or walk alone? He ran towards the car which, happily, suddenly stopped before the church of Our Lady of Kazan. Kovalev
ran to the temple, breaking through the rows of old beggar-bandaged to the point that there were only two holes for the eyes of the much-mocked before, and entered the church. There were few faithful and almost all were left near the door. Kovalev was in such a state of shock that even had courage to pray, and looking with eyes that gentleman in every corner. Finally I found a little apart. The nose had his face completely hidden by the large collar and praying with extraordinary devotion.
"How do you address? He asked Kovalev. A view is, for the uniform, three-cornered hat, which is a state councilor. The devil you know ... "He cleared his throat several times
near the nose, which did not stop even for a moment stopped his devoted their attitude or genuflecting.
-Caballero ... Kovalev said, struggling to see spirits. Caballero ...
- What is offered? Asked nose, turning his face.
"I'm surprised, sir ... I think ... You should know your place. Suddenly you find you ... And where do I find? In a church. Will agree that ...
"Excuse me, but I can not understand what right have you to say. Explain.
"How can I explain?" Thought Kovalev, "and then, taking heart of grace, began:
" Of course I ... By the way, I must say that I'm older, and that to go around without a nose, you understand, is unseemly. No nose could pass any of these vendors peeled oranges Voskresenski bridge, but I I aspire to get ..., having been featured in many homes where there are ladies like Mrs. Chejtariova, wife of a state councilor, and many more ... Have you by ... I do not know, sir ... -To get here, the largest Kovalev shrugged. Excuse me, but considering all this from the standpoint of the rules of duty and honor ... you yourself understand ...
"Not really. I do not understand anything, "said the nose. Talk more explicitly.
-Caballero ... Kovalev said air-worthy, "I fail to interpret his words ... I think the issue is clear. Or are you trying to ... But if you are my own nose!
considered the largest nose and brow furrowed slightly.
"You are mistaken, sir. I am myself, moreover, that among us there can be no direct relationship, because judging from the buttons of his uniform, you belong to a different department than me.
said, his nose turned and continued his prayers.
Totally confused, Kovalev was left without knowing what to do or even think about. In this they heard the lovely sound of a female garments. Came a woman of a certain age, all lace, and with it another very slender, with a white dress that drew a perfect figure and his fine hat Light straw like a pie.
A lackey high, with leafy blades and a good dozen of collars in the livery, stood behind them and opened a cigar.
Kovalev took a step, cambric craned his chest, touched up the trinkets hanging from the gold chain and a smile from one side to another, turned his attention to the ethereal lady who bowed slightly, like a Spring flower, and rose to the front his brief translucent white hand fingers. Kovalev's smile deepened when he saw under his hat, his chin round, dazzling white, and part of the cheek tinged with pink color of the first spring. But suddenly flinched as if something had been burned. He recalled that he had absolutely nothing instead of a nose and he burst into tears. He turned in order to brand bluntly miserable liar and the lord of the uniform, to say that it was nowhere near a state councilor, but solely their own nose ... But there was no nose. It is known that, meanwhile, was out shot to continue his visits.
This circumstance Kovalev plunged into despair. He left the church and paused on the porch, peering in all directions if somewhere could see his nose. Well remembered wearing tricorn with plume and gold-embroidered uniform, but had not noticed in the cape, or the color of the carriage, or horses or even on whether he had footman behind and what his livery. With the addition that would have been difficult to identify one carriage of many, as circulated in both directions at full speed. Moreover, even if he had found, he had at its disposal no means of stopping it. The day was gorgeous and sunny. Nevsky Avenue was swarming with people. From the bridge of Anichkin Politséiski to sidewalks covered a cascade polychrome female. Kovalev also saw a counselor at the Court acquaintance who always gave the treatment of lieutenant colonel, especially if they were to strangers. Then he saw Yariguin, chief of bureau in the Senate, his great friend, who was always caught in boston waive when he played the eight. And a larger one, with advice from the Caucasus, calling him a hand waving ...
- Damn! Kovalev muttered. Hey, driver! In the prefecture of police!
Kovalev took the vehicle and ran all the way to the driver shouting "giddy up, man, rhea!"
- Is in his office the prefect? He asked loudly upon entering the lobby.
"No, sir," replied the concierge. Just.
- This really is good!
And not long ago that went, by the way, "said the concierge. To have entered a moment before, perhaps they have been found.
Without removing the handkerchief from his face, Kovalev returned to the rental car and ordered desperate accent:
- Where? Inquired the coachman.
- Right! But if we are at a crossroads! Right or left?
This question Kovalev cut left and forced him to think again. In your situation, it made sense to go, first of all, the Security Directorate, and not their relationship with the police, but because its provisions could be much more expedient than other instances. As for seeking justice by resorting to higher authorities of the Department who said he belonged to the nose, no sense, because of their own responses in the nose could be inferred that there was nothing sacred to this subject and was quite capable of lying in that circumstances, as he had lied in saying that they had never seen. So Kovalev was going to order and the driver to take him to the Security Directorate, when again I was struck by the idea that the arrant knave, which had behaved so shamelessly during the first interview, could well use the time to sneak out of the city and all the investigations would then be unnecessary or could last a month if God did not put remedy. Finally, as if I light up the sky, he decided to appear at the office of advertising appeared in newspapers, without delay, an announcement with the detailed description of all signs, so that all who meet him would lead him thereupon, in its presence or at least let him know his whereabouts. Nothing else make this decision, ordered the driver to take him to the office of advertising, and was pounding the whole way back with his fist, repeating, "Make haste, miserable! Hurry, you rascal! "To which the driver replied only:" Oh, sir !...», shaking their heads and herding the reins to his horse, as hairy as a poodle. The carriage stopped at last, and Kovalev broke all panting in a small size office. Behind a table, an employee graying and bespectacled, wearing an old coat, recounting the coins were recovered, keeping the pen between the teeth.
- Who gets the ads here? Kovalev asked in a shout. Ah! Good morning.
"Very good you have them," said the employee raising gray eyes for a moment and re-posarlos on the money he had.
"I wish to insert ...
"Excuse me. Please wait a moment that the employee uttered writing a number on paper while passing two balls of left hand abacus.
A lackey big house, judging from its packaging and its livery gallons, waited at the table with a note in his hand and considered it appropriate patenting its urbanity:
"I assure you, sir, that the little dog is worth kopecs eighty. Moreover, I would not give him four. But he holds dear Countess, yes, he holds dear, and you see: a hundred rubles to whoever finds it If we are to talk to property as well as you and I are here, some people have disparate tastes. Places to have a dog that is a sample, or a Maltese. And then not be repaired in five hundred rubles, or even a thousand, so that is what a dog says it all. The respectable employee
heard all air understood, but nevertheless to calculate why the letters of the announcement that he had delivered. Viejucas huddled around, shop assistants and porters, all with a note in his hand. One was offering the services of a sober driver behavior, another a coach in good condition, brought from Paris in 1814, and another a girl of nineteen years, knowing washing and ironing and other chores ... It sold a tough gig, but was missing a spring, a young, spirited horse shot of seventeen, turnip and radish seeds just received from London, a cottage with all its dependencies, two for horses and a field where I could plant a magnificent grove of birch or fir ... There was also a warning to those wishing to acquire land used, inviting them to the resale was made daily from eight to three. The crowded room where all those people was small and the atmosphere was highly charged, but the collegiate assessor could not smell the odor because it covered his face with his handkerchief and because their nose was God knew where.
"Let me ask you, sir ... It is very urgent, "spoke at length with impatience.
"Right now, right now ... Two rubles and forty-three kopecs. Then it serves. A ruble kopecs sixty-four, "said the gray used to viejucas and porters throwing their receipts to the face. Did you want? He asked at last going to Kovalev.
"Well, I ... "Said Kovalev. I have been a victim of extortion or a hoax ..., I could not say for sure until this moment ... I would just like to announce that he bring me the bastard will be fully rewarded.
- Your name, please?
- My name? No! Why? I can not say. With so many friends as I have! Mrs. Chejtariova, wife of a state councilor ... Grigorievna Palagueia Podtóchina, married to a senior officer ... What if they find out soon? God forbid! You can put simply, a college counselor, or better still, a gentleman with the rank of major.
And that has eluded him, was his servant?
- Who speaks of a servant? That would not be a big rascality. What has escaped me is ... nose ...
- Jum! What a weird name! What you cheated much this man?
"I did not understand you. When I say nose, I mean a name, but my own nose, which has disappeared without a trace. Some trick of the devil!
"But how is gone? Do not just take charge.
"Nor could I say how it has gone, but the essential thing is that now go from one place to another by the city and passed by state councilor. So I ask you post the message: that he will take hold immediately bring it to me without delay. Have you by: How I am going to manage without an appendix as visible? Because there is a simple little foot, for example, is tucked into the boot and no one notices his absence. I usually go on Thursdays at Madame Chejtariova, wife of a state councilor. I also distinguished by his friendship Palagueia Grigorievna Podtóchina, married to a staff officer, and his daughter, who is a charm. So, tell me what I do now. I can not attend to them in any way.
The employee began to wonder, what could be gathered by way of tightening the lips.
"Well, no. I can not insert that ad-ruled at last, after a long silence.
- How? Why not?
"Because it could discredit the newspaper. If this gets to write the people who has escaped the nose, well ... Too much and it is rumored that publish a lot of nonsense and hoaxes.
- Why is this nonsense? I think that there is nothing particular.
"That it looks like you. Well, look, last week something happened. There was a staff member in the same way that you presented now, with a note that came out at two rubles and seventy-three kopecs, advertising in any and all who had escaped a poodle with black hair. Apparently, nothing special, right? As it turned out a mess: it's the cashier can not remember what setting.
"But the announcement I bring you not refer to any dog, but my own nose, which is almost equivalent to my own person.
-No. I can not in any way to insert an ad like that.
"But, if truth that has lost my nose!
"So this is a thing of the doctors. They come, they say, they are able to put people's nose you want. But I see that you are a man of good humor and jokes friend.
- For God's sake, I swear it's true! Finally, if we are here, you now see yourself ...
- What is going to bother? "Protested the employee taking a pinch of snuff. Although, if he does not extortion, "he added, chopped and curiosity," I would like to view.
collegiate adviser withdrew the handkerchief from his face.
"It's rare, indeed, 'said the clerk. Does the site of the nose as smooth as the palm of your hand. Yes, yes, incredibly smooth ...
- Will discussing now? And is watching: no choice but to publish it. I should be particularly grateful and delighted that this event has given me the pleasure of meeting ...
As you can see, the more he even lowered a bit this time.
"Of course it costs to publish any work," said the clerk, but I do not see anyone take advantage of it. If such interest is, tell if someone with the pen easier to describe it as a natural phenomenon and publish it in North Bee here sipped a little of snuff, for the instruction of youth, here was cleaned nose-or simply as a curious fact.
peer adviser was totally overwhelmed. He lowered his eyes, stumbled on the undercard of shows at the foot of a newspaper. Would smile when reading the name of a lovely actress and cast and pockets to see if a ticket had five rubles, for senior officers, according to Kovalev, had to sit in the stalls, when memories of the nose shattered all his joy.
At the same employee seemed to affect the sticky situation of Kovalev. And thought fit to mitigate some regret with some words of sympathy.
"Really sorry that the accident happened. Will not you take a pinch of snuff? Dispels headaches and disappointments. Even going well for hemorrhoids.
With these words, the employee presented his snuff Kovalev rather nimbly juggling cover depicting a woman with a hat.
This unpremeditated action out of their boxes to Kovalev.
I do not understand how can you think of these jokes, "he said angrily. Not that I'm missing seeing precisely what is necessary to aspirate the snuff? To hell with her snuff! Now I can not see it, but offered me the best brand and not that crap that makes Berezin.
That said, left deeply upset by the publicity office to head home from the police commissioner, a man very fond of sugar. At the reception, which served as a dining room, there were many loaves of sugar, offering friendly merchants. The maid was removing the Commissioner of regulation boots, sword and other attributes warriors hung and peacefully in their corner, the imposing three-cornered hat was passed to the son of the commissioner, a child of three years, and the commissioner himself available after the battle everyday to enjoy a quiet delicious.
Kovalev came when the commissioner said, between a stretched and sniffed: "Go two short hours of nap I'll take me!" From this it could be inferred that the arrival of more was totally inadvertent. And do not think he would have received with excessive kindness at that time even bringing a few pounds of tea or a piece of cloth. The commissioner was a great lover of all arts and manufactures, but above all banknotes preferred. "This really that's good, he would say. There is nothing better. Do not ask to eat, take so little room that always fit in your pocket and if you fall, do not break. "Dispensed
Commissioner to Kovalev a rather cold reception and said that after eating was not the time for research, that was mandated by the very nature a rest after eating enough (which it could infer the collegiate assessor was aware that Commissioner Case scholars of antiquity), that no person shall order him to pull up the nose and walk through the world's largest number of all stripes do not even have decent underwear and frequent places unwise. What
is called a good romp. It must be noted that Kovalev was a man highly susceptible. I could forgive as told to him, but by no means what it referred to the category or title. Even thought that the plays could ignore everything related to junior officers, but from there up was inadmissible any attacks. The reception accorded by the Commissioner as darkened as he shook his head and said very decent arms open a bit: "I confess that, after so outrageous comments on the other hand, I can not add anything ...», and retired .
came home so tired he could hardly be. There dropped in the afternoon. After many fruitless efforts, his home seemed as sad and disgusting. When he walked into the reception discovered Ivan, his servant, lying back in a filthy leather sofa and dedicated to spit at the ceiling so often aim was right on the spot. Annoyed with such indifference, a sombrerazo Kovalev hit in the forehead muttering: "You're always doing stupid, pig!".
Ivan jumped up and ran to remove the layer.
Upon entering his room, the more tired and sank into a chair shot and finally said, after a few sighs
- my God! My God, what have I done to deserve this punishment? If I had been without an arm, or without a leg, would have been preferable, even without ears, but it would be wrong, it could still happen. But what the hell is a man without a nose? Not a bird or a national honor. Nothing, one thing you can simply throw out the window. And good that the accident had happened in war or in a duel or my fault. But my nose is gone just like that, silly! ... Although, no, can not be, "he added after some thought. It is inconceivable that a nose disappears: in every way conceivable. Or am I dreaming, or is a figuration insurance. Or maybe I've drunk by mistake, instead of water, rub vodka on your face after shaving. Ivan's stupid not return to your site, and I drank it.
To be convinced that indeed was not drunk, just stuck the biggest pinch could not stifle a scream. That pain was persuaded that all we really did and what was wrong. Crept into the mirror, and first closed his eyes hoping that the nose may appear in place when opened, but then flinched and recoiled, exclaiming:
- face Yuck!
Indeed, this was incomprehensible. If he had lost a button, a silver spoon, a clock or anything like that ... But miss that! And inside, well ... Weighing all the circumstances, the most likely considered the hypothesis that the culprit could only be Mrs. Podtóchina, wife of a staff officer, who wanted to marry his daughter with Kovalev. And he, although he liked to woo her, eluded a definitive commitment. So when Mrs. Podtóchina stated unequivocally that he wanted to give in marriage, he slowly picked up candles in their attentions, alleging that he was still young and still needed to look good in his career about five years to meet the forty-two. And then, probably out of revenge, what she thought of Mrs. Podtóchina disfiguring paying any witch ominous, because it could not be admitted in any way that the nose had been severed, no one had entered his room. Ivan Yakovlevich, the barber shaved him on Wednesday and kept his nose full Kovalev throughout Wednesday and even Thursday throughout the day. That he remembered and knew it very well. Also, have noticed pain and, of course, the wound could not heal as quickly and be smooth as the palm of your hand. He began to ponder whether it should withdraw fledged Mrs Podtóchina court or reporting him at home and throw in your face action. To interrupt his reflections came a flash of light that penetrated through all the cracks in the door and was evidence that Ivan had already lit a candle in the hall. Then Ivan himself appeared to her, illuminating the room. Kovalev's first move was to grab a handkerchief and cover your nose where it still occupied the day before that stupid to not stay with their mouths open to an event so unusual in his master. Just
Ivan had retired to his den when a strange voice was heard in the hall:
- Do you live here the Collegiate Assessor Kovalyov?
-Forward. Here is the most Kovalev, "said he, rising abruptly to open the door. A guard came
good poise, with sideburns not very clear nor very dark and full cheeks, the same as at the beginning of our story we saw at one end of the bridge Isákievski.
- Are you the gentleman who has lost his nose?
- What about you? "Screamed the most Kovalev, and was speechless of joy, staring at the guard standing in front him in whose cheeks and thick lips tremulous reflected the candlelight. How did it happen?
-By sheer coincidence. Will we turn when I was almost on the way: going to take and diligence to go to Riga. And the passport had been issued long ago to name a staff member. The strange thing is that, at first, I took myself a gentleman. Fortunately wore glasses, and then I realized that it was a nose. Because I say that I am nearsighted, and if you place yourself in front of me, I only see your face, but without distinguishing the nose, chin or anything. My mother, that is, the mother of my wife, does not see anything.
Kovalev was like crazy.
- Where? Where? I run ...
"No your honor, why bother. Assuming that would make you lack, I bring. And, you see how strange: the author of the fact is a rogue Voznesénskaia street barber who is now detained at the barracks. Some time ago that I was after him for drunk and thief. Before yesterday, without going any further, stole a dozen buttons at the store. As your ladyship's nose is exactly like it was.
With these words, the guard reached into a pocket, where the catch of the nose wrapped in a paper.
- That's right! Yes, yes! Kovalev shouted. Today you have to stay for a cup of tea with me.
-would accept gladly, but I can not in any way, from here I have to approach the mental hospital. Prices have risen much keeps all ... I must keep my mother, my wife's mother, who lives with us, and my children. The oldest, especially, is a smart boy, very promising, but can not totally give possibilities for studies ...
Kovalev took notice, and, taking off the table a ten-ruble note, put it in the hands of the guard left the room after hitting his heels and whose voice he heard Kovalev almost instantly on the street lecturing, with accompanying of punches, a foolish peasant who had put on the sidewalk with his cart.
After leaving the guard, spent the collegiate assessor few minutes as if dazed and only after that time, such was the confusion that resulted in the unexpected joy, regained the ability to see and feel. Carefully took the nose in the bowl formed by the two hands and went back to watch carefully.
"It's her, yes," said Kovalev's largest. Here, on the left side, the granite that came out yesterday.
The biggest drop was almost laughing with joy.
But nothing is eternal in the world. So, joy the first moment is not as lively as the second minute, third and further weakens the end inadvertently diluted with normal mood, as well as the circle formed in water by a stone falling just diluted in smooth surface. Kovalev began to ponder and pulled it clear that all was not yet over: the nose had appeared, yes, but there was put and lock it in place.
- What if it sticks?
The largest was livid to ask this question. Dam
indescribable fear ran to the table and approached the mirror, not to put a crooked nose. His hands shook. Carefully and very cautiously applied the nose in place before. What horror! The nose is not stuck ... Put it to his mouth, threw his breath warm and again applied to the surface that stretched between her cheeks, the nose is not held in any way.
- Vamos! But, c'mon! Stay there! "He said.
But the nose seemed wooden and fell on the table with a strange noise, like a cork. Contracted grimaced face greater. "Is it possible that does not stick?" She asked scared. But many times you put your nose in the right place, all his efforts remained fruitless. He called
Ivan and sent for the doctor who lived in the mezzanine of the same house, occupying the best floor. That doctor was a man of great poise, he possessed a magnificent black whiskers, and a lusty wife, bursting with health, breakfasted with apples and carefully looked after the cleanliness of your mouth, rinse every morning for almost three quarters of an hour and teeth puliéndose with five different brushes. The doctor came at once. After ascertaining the time elapsed since the incident, Kovalev's face lifted by grasping the chin and hit just flicked on the site formerly occupied by the largest nose violently threw her head back to strike with neck at the wall. The doctor said it was nothing, invited him to get away from the wall, made him turn his head to the right and then to feel the site where once stood the nose, said, "ummm." Then he sent back his head to the left, she shouted again, "ummm" and finally hit your thumb with another flick that made the greatest Kovalev wince as much as a horse when you look at the teeth. After this test, the doctor shook his head saying:
-No. No way. It is better to leave it, because it could be worse. Agreement has, of course, and I would probably be the same now. But I assure you would be worse for you.
- This really is good! How can I stay without a nose? Kovalev protested. Worse than now, impossible. What the hell is this? Where do I present myself with this facade? I have very good relations. Today I attend two evenings. I know many people: Mrs. Chejtariova, wife of a State Councillor, Mrs Podtóchina, married to a staff officer ... Although, after his current behavior, I only deal with it can be through the police. Please I beg you, "continued Kovalev pleading. Is there no remedy? Póngamela as, but not look good, provided it is sustained. It could even hold a little hand in case of trouble. Moreover, as I do not dance, nor is fear any sudden movements that hurt. And with regard to thank you for your visit, please be assured that, as far as I could ...
"Believe me," said the doctor in a tone that was neither tall nor short, but very persuasive and magnetic-that I never carried on for the money. That would be contrary to my rules and my art. True to collect my visits, but with the sole purpose of not offending anyone to say no. Of course, I could adjust his nose. However, I affirm on my honor, if my word is not enough, it would be much worse. Let stand for nature. Frequent ablutions will keep you cool, even without a nose, as healthy as I did, I assure you. As for the nose, I suggest that the goal in a jar of alcohol or, better still, adding a solution of two tablespoons of vinegar and hot strong vodka. Then you can get for it a respectable amount. I myself would buy if the price is exceeded.
- No, no! Do not sell for anything, "protested the more desperate. I prefer to disappear!
"Excuse me, but I wanted to ask a favor," the doctor waving. Finally! At least you have seen my good intentions.
With these words, the doctor very dignity left the room. Kovalev had not noticed even in his face, because, in his deep depression, only able to see the neat cuffs and white as snow showing through black coat sleeves.
next day, and before filing suit, he decided to write to Mrs. Staff Officer to see if he agreed to willingly return what was theirs. The letter read:
"Great lady, Alexandra Grigorievna:
" I fail to understand this strange proceeding on his part. Rest assured that by so doing, you will not gain anything or force me in any way to marry his daughter. Believe me that I am well aware of the history of my nose as well as you and anyone else that you have been the main cause of it. The sudden release, escape and disguise my nasal appendage, appearing first in the guise of an official and then their own, are neither more nor less than the consequence of witchcraft practiced by you or by those who exercise on necessities as noble as theirs. For my part, I consider it my duty to warn that if the said Appendix is \u200b\u200bnot remitted to your site today, I shall be obliged to appeal to the defense and protection of the laws.
"Moreover, with all due respect, I have the honor of getting to you, servant, Plato
" Dear Sir, Plato Kuzmich:
"Your letter has made me very surprised. I confess to you honestly I never expected anything like this and even less with regard to the unjust reproach you. Please be informed that I have ever received in my home, or in disguise or under their own appearance, the official to whom you refer. I do not deny that I have visited Potánchikov Filipp Ivanovich. But while he aspired, indeed, the hand of my daughter and being a person of good conduct and sober, and many studies, "I've never given the slightest hope. Also you mentioned the nose. If this meant that I meant to leave you with three quarters of noses, or give a flat denial, I'm surprised it is you say it, knowing how to know that my intention is very different and if you agree now and into with my daughter, I'm willing to accede without delay, because this has always been the object of my most fervent wishes, pending which is always at your service
"No, certainly not her, it was Kovalev said after reading the letter. Impossible! In the way it is written the letter, can not be the work of one who has committed a crime. "The Collegiate Assessor was a man familiar with the subject, then, are still in the Caucasus region, had been asked several times to prosecute. How could this happen? How? Only the devil would understand, "he concluded discouraged.
Meanwhile, ran across the capital and rumors about such an extraordinary event, adorned with all kinds of hype, as usual. Just then minds were directed toward the supernatural, since he had little time at all intrigued by the experiments on the effects of magnetism. Moreover, as the history of the street dancing chairs Koniúshennaia was still Recently, there is nothing particular that soon will begin discussing the peer counselor's nose used to walk at three o'clock on Nevsky Avenue. And every day there came a crowd of onlookers. Someone announced that the nose was in the store Junker, and against the establishment there was such an agglomeration police had to intervene. A speculator with respectable-looking, wearing sideburns and used to sell pasta variety at the door of the theater, built especially magnificent and solid wooden benches that rented at a rate of eighty kopecs per person, a few curious people wanted to get them to see better . A worthy colonel left his house for that sole purpose earlier than usual and barely managed to break through the crowd, but what was his indignation at seeing in the shop window instead of the nose, a simple wool shirt and a lithograph representing a young girl who was up half while a dude with a beard vest lapels and spied on her from behind a tree. This lithograph was carrying more than ten years and hung on the same site. At retirement, the colonel said annoyed, "How can arouse people with stupid and implausible hoaxes?"
Then ensued the species was not the Nevsky Avenue in the garden but Taurida where he walked more Kovalyov's nose and that, long before his time. So much so that when Jozrev-Mirza stayed there, I was very surprised that strange quirk of nature.
There were some students of the Academy of Surgery. An illustrious and noble lady asked the caretaker of the garden, special letter, which show their children the rare phenomenon and, if possible, explain it so enlightening and uplifting time for them.
All these facts were welcomed with great joy by the knights regular evenings of society and fans to distract the ladies with interesting stories, whose repertoire was exhausted by then. A minority order of respectable people were extremely dissatisfied. A man saying, with sulphide, could not understand how it was that was spread absurd fabrications in our enlightened century and he was surprised that the government did not pay attention to the fact. Apparently, this man was one who wanted to complicate the government in everything, even in the daily squabbles he has with his wife. Then ... But from here, once again the event is totally enveloped in fog and not know anything at all about what happened later.
III occur in the real world nonsense. Sometimes, without any credibility, suddenly, the same nose who walked from one place to another with uniform of State Councilor and fuss in the city had put together again as if nothing found in your site, ie exactly between the two cheeks of more Kovalev. This happened as early as April, the 7th. When he awoke and looked in the mirror accidentally, he discovered there was more than the nose. He took her hand, and there it was, yes! "Finally!" Said Kovalev and joy, was about to get to dance as he was, barefoot, across the room, but the entry of Ivan stopped him. Then he asked for water for washing and as would wash, launched another look in the mirror. There was the nose! When dried with a towel, looked once more: there was the nose!
"See, Ivan: it seems as if I had a pimple on the nose," he said while he thought: "What a disappointment if Ivan tells me now: No, sir, do not see any grain or even see the nose. "
But Ivan said,
" No, no grain. It has nothing in the nose.
"This is already good, what the hell 'is said Maj. clicking fingers. At that time appeared at the door the barber Ivan Yakovlevich, but with so much fear as a cat that just stir for stealing bacon.
"The first thing you must tell me is if you bring your hands clean, as Kovalev questioned from afar.
"Yes. But they are clean.
"I swear they are clean, sir.
"Well. We'll see.
Kovalev sat. Ivan Yakovlevich put the cloth with the brush, his beard and became part of the cheeks into something like the cream that treats traditionally served in personal names of traders.
"Well! ... Ivan Yakovlevich exclaimed to himself contemplating the nose, then turned his head toward the opposite side to see her profile. Look at it you! ... There he is! Although the truth is that if one stops to think ...», added, and was still a good time watching the nose. Finally, with all the delicacy and all the care that can be imagined, held up two fingers to hold for the tip, since that was the system of Ivan Yakovlevich.
- Hey, hey, you! Beware! Kovalev shouted.
even more dazed and confused, Ivan Yakovlevich withdrew his hand. At last he began to pass the knife under the chin and, although it was very uncomfortable and difficult to shave without having subjected the organ of smell, he overcame all obstacles and manage to finish shaving tightens the skin with rough sometimes supported thumb on the cheek and sometimes in lower jaw larger.
When all was ready, Kovalev was quick to get dressed immediately, took a cab and went straight to a bakery. Upon entering, shouted from afar: "A chocolate boy!" And immediately went to a mirror. My nose! He turned and looked joyfully sarcastic air, squinting a little eyelids, two soldiers: the nose of one of them was only the size of a button vest. Then he went to the offices of the Department where he was managing a post of a deputy or executor, as default. Crossing the hall, looked into a mirror: there was the nose! Later he went to visit another college advisor, or more, if you will, a great friend of jokes, whose trenchant observations Kovalev would answer: "I know you too. You are a picky! "During the trip, I was thinking:" If the largest bursts of laughter not me, it sure is that everything is in place. "But the Collegiate Assessor was so smugly. "Perfect, perfect, what the hell", he said Kovalev. Then she met Mrs. Podtóchina, wife of a staff officer, and his daughter. He greeted and was greeted with shouts of joy: therefore, they never gave it a defect. He chatted with them a long time and purposely taking tobacco, was pleased them long before snuff your nose stuck in the tubes, muttering to himself: "So for them to know, knuckleheads. And the daughter if I did not, of course. So for good, par amour, or think! "Since then, the biggest Kovalev walk again as if nothing in the Nevsky Avenue, to attend the theater and go everywhere. And his nose field in the middle of his face as if nothing, not even pretending that there never had been missing. After all this could be the largest ever Kovalev in a good mood, smiling, being about absolutely all the beautiful women and even stopped once in front of a store to buy Gostínni Dvor pin a medal, but for unknown reasons, since he was a gentleman in any order.
There you have what happened in the northern capital of our vast empire! And only now, tying ropes, we see that history has a lot of implausible. Not to mention that it is truly strange supernatural separation of the nose and its appearance in different places under the guise of a state councilor. Why did not occur to him to Kovalev could not announce the case of his nostrils in newspapers through the Office of Advertising? I do not mean in the sense that seems excessive to me the listed price, is a trifle, and I'm far from being a stingy person. But, is that it is shifted, violent, ugly! And another thing: how the nose ended up inside a bun and how Ivan Yakovlevich ...? Nothing, nothing, I do not understand. I do not understand at all! But the most shocking, the most incomprehensible of all is that the authors are able to choose such subjects. I confess that this is totally inconceivable, it's like ... Nothing, nothing, I do not understand! First, it does not give any benefit to the country, second ... Well, then, secondly, gives no advantage. I do not know what this is, simply ...
Although, however, and with it all, though, of course, you can admit this and that and the other thing, you can even ... Because, of course where absurd things do not happen? Because, however, if you think about it, sure there was something about that. Whatever may be said, events like that happen in the world. Rarely, but do occur. FIN